My family put the “fun” in dysfunctional (my short story)
Read Time: 6.5 Minutes
Welcome to Raw Thoughts w/ Riley – where I’ll share unfiltered personal reflections, and insights on my journey to self and life mastery.
Join us every Thursday as we explore bold ideas, lessons, and perspectives designed to spark your curiosity, confidence, and creativity.
Today’s Raw Thoughts:
- Something on my mind: What we can actually control
- Something I am learning: Your mess becomes your message
- How I recently failed: I know better
- How I recently won: Total ownership
- Story & lesson: My story – break the cycle, beat the odds
- Q & A: Why did I get involved with plant medicine?
Something on my mind: What we can actually control
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“When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world.
I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation.
When I found I couldn’t change the nation, I began to focus on my town.
I couldn’t change the town, and as an older man, I tried to change my family.
Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family.
My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.”
Unknown Monk
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I think if I wasn’t more self aware I would be a massive control freak.
I’ve heard it comes from an attempt to make ourselves “feel” safe. If we can just control our environment, other people, or outcomes than we might be safe.
My life was chaotic as hell growing up, so that might make sense but it doesn’t work.
I’ve said it before but life is a great big mirror. Reflecting us back to ourselves through people, experiences, and circumstances.
A shaman in Costa Rica gave me the best piece of advice:
“If the mirror isn’t smiling, then smile!”
Rather than try to control how other people show up, what life brings, or how things turn out focus on the only thing you can control:
You.
- Do you want to see those around you improve? Improve yourself, and inspire them with your growth.
- Do you want to have better people in your life? Become a better person, and those people will find you.
- Do you want to have a more abundant, peaceful, and fulfilling life? Life only reflects to us that which we are.
We have much more “control” than we think, but not in the ways that we try to control.
Something I am learning: Your mess becomes your message
Below in the “Story & lesson” section you will get to read a short & condensed version of my story that I wrote for my website (which is almost done by the way!).
The lesson? Your mess becomes your message.
Your life story, regardless of how messy can either be the story you tell yourself as to why you “can’t”.
Or, it can become the fuel that leads you to the greatest comeback.
The great people through all of history had a few things in common:
- They have a chip on their shoulder
- They have a mission, and enemy
- They have something to prove
The chip on their shoulder came from a life experience of struggle, and pain.
The mission is to rise above their circumstances, and the enemy is being stuck in those circumstances (Them breaking the cycle, and beating their own odds).
They have something to prove because they came from nothing, and/or want to make those that hurt or doubted them watch as they rise above.
Recently, I had clarity over what my message is. What my movement is actually about.
Breaking the cycle.
Read my story below to learn more.
How I recently failed: I know better
There is no finish line on the path to self improvement, evolution, and growth.
There is no end to the tests, challenges, and hardship in life.
One key ingredient to the human condition is suffering. We are way too good at making things hard, and seem to be hard wired to struggle.
Sometimes I want to think that all the work I’ve done on myself is somehow a magic wand. Maybe now I can let my foot off the gas, or rest knowing that “I’ve done it”.
Nah. As they say, different levels different devils. Things change, but at the core they stay the same.
No matter how much I grow, and strive for excellence – I will never be perfect, or finished. I am a human being, as are you. We weren’t meant to be perfect, only to grow and get better.
Rather than be hard on myself, and feel frustrated for not being “finished”… I will remember that I know better.
And then I will focus on getting better, and enjoying this life journey in all it’s imperfections.
What else would we be doing anyways?
Isn’t that the point?
How I recently won: Total ownership
“It may not be your fault, but it is always your responsibility.”
When you strip everything down, and get brutally honest with yourself you realize that this is “your life”.
Sure, we can point the finger at that person, or this event but when our head hits the pillow for the last time on thing remains true:
It was always your life.
No one lived it for you, and when the dust settles no one is responsible for it but you.
I think of this often, and it’s sorta a rude awakening but sometimes the medicine we need doesn’t taste so good.
My win to celebrate with you today is this: Ownership.
Consistently reminding myself of this truth, and then acting accordingly.
- Who I surround myself with is my choice.
- The quality of my life is my choice.
- The lifestyle I live is my choice.
- Who I am is my choice.
And so on.
It won’t change, or improve unless I choose to change and improve it.
Story & lesson: Break the cycle, beat the odds
My story of stuck to unstoppable: Why breaking the cycle is my movement.
I was born with an obsession, a passion, hell even an addiction for getting better and helping others do the same.
People often ask me “what happened to you?”, originally by my school teachers because I was a little messed up as a kid haha!
Nowadays it’s because I have shocked them and everyone else.
How could I turn out the way I did given where I come from?
I was frequently abused, substance addicted, and very angry as a kid.
My family put the “fun” in dysfunctional.
Maybe you can relate.
Next, I lost my brother, and my family fell apart at 16. I was on my own.
I then found mentors & self improvement.
- I still remember when I was 19 years old and I earned my first $100,000 through sales. Then $250k, and finally $1,000,000 dollars.
- I built my physique from 120lbs to 200lbs. I started my own business. I thought the craziness of my life was over.
Not to brag, but just to let you know – I’ve actually done something with my life and career.
I was the up and coming young entrepreneur.
Then, in 2022, my life fell apart.
I called off an engagement, put my career to the side, and got real with the man in the mirror.
The crazy family cycles had continued with me. No matter what I achieved, those demons still stayed.
My childhood and upbringing had me feeling broken, and hopeless.
I then decided to change fundamentally everything about my life.
But before I did, I had a huge realization.
My life would only change and improve, if I did.
Surface level self improvement wouldn’t cut it anymore. Some deep spiritual, psychological, and healing work was the answer.
So, I went all in and learned all about psychology, trauma, and “woo-woo” wisdom. I applied the same work ethic, and commitment that made me successful in business.
Since that day I have dedicated my life to help others break the cycle, and become their highest self.
To create profound internal growth, and life changing outer expansion. To win from within.
To unlock, and master their mind to achieve freedom in their life.
To have their cake, and eat it too. Yum.
Here’s the paradox life taught me:
- We will end up self sabotaging, or still feeling like there is a void.
- We will hold ourselves back, and repeat the cycles from our childhoods or cultures.
Why can’t we do both? Achieve everything we want, and evolve into the highest version of ourselves.
If that sounds good to you, welcome my friend. Let’s get better together.
My new community is launching, if you are the one to break the cycles in your life or family: Join Here
Questions & Answers: Why did I get involved with plant medicine?
This weeks question came from one of the Men interested in my retreat.
We had a conversation, and he was curious why I am involved with something that most people don’t understand.
This isn’t the first time – I’ve had a lot of people raise an eyebrow when they hear what I am up to.
I got involved in plant medicine through divine intervention. It wasn’t something I went looking for, it found me.
Plant medicine involves the use of intentional, and sacred practice using different plants. These plants just so happen to have a profound psychological, physical, emotional, and spiritual effect on humans.
The practice has been around since the beginning of our species, it’s ancient.
When used with intention, and tradition they are in my mind the equivalent to a genie in a bottle.
You set an intention (like asking for a wish), and boom – it’s granted.
People have healed lifelong heroin addictions, or mental disorders like PTSD.
Others have found a connection with a higher power, or themselves that pulled them from the brink of suicide (me + others).
The list goes on.
There is nothing in this world that is more powerful, or proven to work when it comes to helping people to heal and work through their troubles.
I feel that part of my calling is to help people experience this in a safe, and sacred way.
Stay tuned for more retreats, or opportunities if this calls to you.
Currently I am running one in August called The Rite of Passage Retreat (for men only).
Later I will be running some for both Men & Women, individually and together.
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The Rite of Passage Retreat
This retreat is for men who hear the call inside to become more, and want to surround themselves with like minded men.
It’s for the men ready to overcome self-sabotage, step into their power, embrace their purpose, and to live and lead their lives like a King.
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In case you missed it: How to figure out what you want to do with your life
In Saturdays Issue, I talked about how most people are living a story that other people created for them… and how you don’t have to be most people.
Read how to figure out what you want to do with your life here.
Break Free from the Past. Build a Brighter Future. Become Your Highest Self.
Humans need each other, we grow and thrive when we have a tribe.
Unfortunately men & women nowadays are suffering in silence…
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With love, support, & gratitude,
Riley Conder
“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.” – Confucius
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